So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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