just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
