How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
