: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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