I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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