The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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