This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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