the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
