my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
