i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
