Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
