Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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