shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
NoShamevember. You game?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
