I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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