peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
