he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
