It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
