All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
