JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize