why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
