So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
