currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
