well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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