I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
