you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize