I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Say something about gay babies.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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