She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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