There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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