i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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