apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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