Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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