I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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