Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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