Your dad touched me again.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
