you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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