You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
