i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
