Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
