I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
