Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
