hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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