I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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