My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
So many bounce houses so little time
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
