I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
