Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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