When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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