HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
