I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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