so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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