Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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