Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
