I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
