i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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