Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
