I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
