Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Drunk is a universal language darling
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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