oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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